**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
