Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
