just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
