i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
