I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
