Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
