my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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