the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
