I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
