Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
