i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
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