I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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