I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
