Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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