Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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