fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
