am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So much rum. So many feels.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
