Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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