Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
