I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
