Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
