tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
