Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
