New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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