its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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