Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
