So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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