i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
