Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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