I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
