I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
birth control should be required to get into college
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
