We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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