I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
