Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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