This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Found your dick twin last night
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
