Moan for me like Helen Keller
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
