So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
