There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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