I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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