too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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