Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
