So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he was CRYING into my vagina
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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