my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Everything about him screamed your future.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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