The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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