I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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