he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
