My liver just broke up with me...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
