I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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