You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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