Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
