Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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